KALDUR'THE GREATEST'AHM

seriously calm down asshole you dont need to be rude and negative about everything im just going to put in headphones and ignore u

i think its just cause she has a headache but my sister is being a real fucking downer tonight

sometimes i get really frustrated because i’m really smart but i can’t say that i’m really smart because that’s boasting or some shit and like i don’t think of myself as really smart usually and that’s not why i’m frustrated but it’s starting to be why i’m frustrated now wow this is a dumb loop all i was trying to say is that the way our society judges intelligence really frustrates me sometimes like

okay so i got good grades in school and not like 4.0 good grades i got a 3.8 because i took really hard ib classes and pushed myself and worried about exams i never really studied well for and somehow passed and got the diploma anyways and like at any other school where ib is weighted correctly i would’ve had like a 4.5 or something and i had friends who i think of as way smarter than me who studied and worked hard to get the best sat scores and i felt guilty when i never studied and my score was higher than theirs even after they retook the test trying to get a better one and like i’m not a genius i’m sure i just test slightly above average but at least back then people didn’t treat me like an idiot for no reason and i with my grades and score i could’ve gotten into college that was never the issue

the issue was that there was all this school work going on and whenever i needed to blow off steam i hung out with people and watched tv and read books and played pokemon and i did theater for fun because even when it wasn’t fun i enjoyed being there and i ended up sitting in senior year being moderately good at this with no fucking clue what i wanted to do with my life just some ideas of what i didn’t want to do and all these driven people around me who seemed to have everything figured out and the unspoken pressure of being a twin and family finances that i was always told should have no bearing on my decision and in the end they might have but the really didn’t because the issue was with me why would i want to put myself in debt to do more of the same if the same meant i wasn’t really working toward anything at all?

and i knew i would get complacent and sit on my ass and do nothing if i didn’t do something so i chose to go to community college and what really frustrates me is when people change the way they look at you when you tell them you go there and even if you say you chose to and you chose not to apply anywhere some people don’t change that look and some people do and you’re not sure which of them you dislike more because the fact that they looked at you that way at all makes you so angry and not even just for yourself because there is nothing wrong with community college (unless you say there is because you can make jokes jokes are fine jokes are good but people who actually believe a person is less of a person if they attend community college outside of running start can’t make jokes they can go fuck themselves) but you pretend it doesn’t bother you and then they say something stupid and you try not think of them as morons because they’re usually older than you and you were raised at the very least to be polite and you like to assume people were worthy of your respect until they prove themselves otherwise and depending on how bitter you are you correct them politely because it’s usually your job anyways or if you’re really in a bad mood you just want to make them feel stupid and you usually refrain and the actually stupid ones usually don’t know they are anyways and i don’t even really know how this rant started anymore or when i switched from referring to myself  as i to you i probably got hypothetical at some point 

but bad grades and scores don’t make you dumb but that doesn’t mean that good grades and scores don’t make you smart and you can be both that’s a thing people can be smart about some things and dumb about others and i still don’t know what i want to do with my life i just have an ever-expanding list of things i don’t want to do with my life and people try to pretend that narrows down the list of things i do want to do but that is absolute bullshit because if there was actually a list of every possible thing i could do with my life that linked to an addendum of a step-by-step guide of how to do all of those specific things i would have no problem at all because then it would be something tangible and definable as opposed to this mysterious blob of abstract notions that could maybe be considered possibilities if anyone bothered to check if they actually existed or not

and people are starting to get sick of my not knowing and some of them try to give me ideas and some of them try to ask me what mine are and some of them think that if i get comfortable with not knowing everything will be fine because apparently lots of people don’t know and it doesn’t matter if you hate your career as long as you have one but it also doesn’t matter if you make money as long as you’re happy and the same people preach both things like they’re not completely opposite ways of life and i’ve given up trying to explain why neither concept seems to work for me because they can’t seem to fathom why the idea of doing something i hate or morally feel opposed to or am bored by or for whatever reason don’t want to do is something that doesn’t appeal to me even if i’m getting paid and they don’t understand why i don’t just instantly know what would make me happy if i stop thinking about money

and i guess i’ve only just now realized that it’s because they think i or everyone is focused on the money aspect and that has never really been my problem with it i think my problem with it is that not knowing all the options makes me feel like there are no options but because i have a problem i also feel like i don’t know myself at all sometimes which is bullshit i like to think i have a decent grasp on who i am most of the time and it’s stupid but if i don’t know what would make me happy then i clearly don’t know myself but i think the realy problem is that i don’t know what sort of jobs there are where i could get paid to do what or things similar to things that make me happy? and i’m back to not knowing the options now and i’m frustrated

apparently the cast list came out but no one thought to make sure i got the email even though i’m kind of the stage manager whatever i didn’t want to fucking know anyways it’s cool in fact it’s absolutely swell

i mean fuck as long as i get paid it doesn’t matter if anyone respects me or wants me there it’s peachy keen and dandy

weedingwall said: PEOPLE LIKE ANNIE AND ABED? That’s weird don’t do that. No definitely weird. Weird weird weird. BUT WATCH THE SHOW OMG IT’S THE BEST SHOW EVER

i’m clearly really emotionally unstable right now because this upsets me greatly

do you ever just kind of feel like shit in general and try to put it behind you and be helpful and do work and thats all fine and then one day you feel like they’re purposefully ignoring you and you’re not doing anything and you were in a bad mood already even though you were pretending you weren’t and it sort of slips out even though you’re trying to hold it in because you’re irritated and then they’re like do you not want to be here because yesterday you seemed yadda yadda and you’re just so surprised that they think YOU don’t want to be here instead of the other way around because they’ve made you feel unneeded and unwanted and you already felt like shit to begin with that you don’t even know how to explain that they’ve got it backwards they’re the ones who don’t seem to want you here even though you want to be here and help and so you don’t even tell them how they actually made you feel you just assure them that you didn’t mean to come across that way yesterday it was other things that have you in a bad mood not because of this but because of other things which is true but also not quite because they made you feel like shit today just because of however they accidentally perceived your mood the day before? at least you guess thats the reason?

and you dont know how to tell them any of that without coming across as some sort of asshole or crying and you hate crying you hate weakness and emotions are weakness so you dont talk about them you just try to shove them down and so you dont even know how to explain to them that being a useless pile of shit that people only have around out of pity or ignore and neglect is probably your biggest fear and you know they didnt mean to make you feel like that and they couldnt have possibly known that because you never tell anyone anything because thinking about being upset just reupsets you all over again and its dumb and you hate it

so me tapping my foot to the beat at 11:30 pm isn’t allowed because you can hear it “plain as day” downstairs but if you fucking blast your music through the house at any hour you choose its o-fucking-kay as long as it doesn’t interfere with you well shit let me just suggest that you sleep in your own goddamn bed instead of on a fucking cushion downstairs then fuck you too

Mary’s child was pretty much God in human form. I think she’s an exception.

ladies and gentlemen we have a winner for first religious blogger to take this  too seriously because guess what its a joke

also i consider myself religious and how about not forcing your beliefs on others wow what a concept 

This is funny.

oh my god thank you for telling me i was wondering why the fuck it kept getting notes

i can do this i can be there for you

i think it’s unfair how some of those you blame never knew they hurt you and you never told them otherwise so how could they have known? and i don’t know if i can ever tell you that without hurting you

i don’t want to hurt you

but you’ll also need to respect that what you’ve told me won’t completely alter my opinion of them i’ll just keep it separate and when you cut you ties and leave i will keep your secrets i will lie i can do that

i am afraid of caring for people because when i do i care fiercely and loyally please understand my loyalties are not split on this matter just expanded and i close myself off and honestly even if my lie was that you had stopped talking to me too i don’t think anyone wouldn’t believe me

i’m sorry i didn’t know

i mean there were bits and pieces but no one knew and you can hold that against them all you want and i won’t stop you but please take care of yourself

and i know i can be strong enough to weather anything that comes at me trying to get to you when you don’t want to be found and i can handle whatever comes my way because that’s how i was raised and that’s who i am and who i’ve grown into even if i don’t know what i will ever do or be i feel like at a fundamental level i have a grasp on my identity

so why am i googling how to get a job in disneyland

i mean i know it’s something i’ve always wanted so why does it kind of feel like running away