sometimes i get really frustrated because i’m really smart but i can’t say that i’m really smart because that’s boasting or some shit and like i don’t think of myself as really smart usually and that’s not why i’m frustrated but it’s starting to be why i’m frustrated now wow this is a dumb loop all i was trying to say is that the way our society judges intelligence really frustrates me sometimes like
okay so i got good grades in school and not like 4.0 good grades i got a 3.8 because i took really hard ib classes and pushed myself and worried about exams i never really studied well for and somehow passed and got the diploma anyways and like at any other school where ib is weighted correctly i would’ve had like a 4.5 or something and i had friends who i think of as way smarter than me who studied and worked hard to get the best sat scores and i felt guilty when i never studied and my score was higher than theirs even after they retook the test trying to get a better one and like i’m not a genius i’m sure i just test slightly above average but at least back then people didn’t treat me like an idiot for no reason and i with my grades and score i could’ve gotten into college that was never the issue
the issue was that there was all this school work going on and whenever i needed to blow off steam i hung out with people and watched tv and read books and played pokemon and i did theater for fun because even when it wasn’t fun i enjoyed being there and i ended up sitting in senior year being moderately good at this with no fucking clue what i wanted to do with my life just some ideas of what i didn’t want to do and all these driven people around me who seemed to have everything figured out and the unspoken pressure of being a twin and family finances that i was always told should have no bearing on my decision and in the end they might have but the really didn’t because the issue was with me why would i want to put myself in debt to do more of the same if the same meant i wasn’t really working toward anything at all?
and i knew i would get complacent and sit on my ass and do nothing if i didn’t do something so i chose to go to community college and what really frustrates me is when people change the way they look at you when you tell them you go there and even if you say you chose to and you chose not to apply anywhere some people don’t change that look and some people do and you’re not sure which of them you dislike more because the fact that they looked at you that way at all makes you so angry and not even just for yourself because there is nothing wrong with community college (unless you say there is because you can make jokes jokes are fine jokes are good but people who actually believe a person is less of a person if they attend community college outside of running start can’t make jokes they can go fuck themselves) but you pretend it doesn’t bother you and then they say something stupid and you try not think of them as morons because they’re usually older than you and you were raised at the very least to be polite and you like to assume people were worthy of your respect until they prove themselves otherwise and depending on how bitter you are you correct them politely because it’s usually your job anyways or if you’re really in a bad mood you just want to make them feel stupid and you usually refrain and the actually stupid ones usually don’t know they are anyways and i don’t even really know how this rant started anymore or when i switched from referring to myself as i to you i probably got hypothetical at some point
but bad grades and scores don’t make you dumb but that doesn’t mean that good grades and scores don’t make you smart and you can be both that’s a thing people can be smart about some things and dumb about others and i still don’t know what i want to do with my life i just have an ever-expanding list of things i don’t want to do with my life and people try to pretend that narrows down the list of things i do want to do but that is absolute bullshit because if there was actually a list of every possible thing i could do with my life that linked to an addendum of a step-by-step guide of how to do all of those specific things i would have no problem at all because then it would be something tangible and definable as opposed to this mysterious blob of abstract notions that could maybe be considered possibilities if anyone bothered to check if they actually existed or not
and people are starting to get sick of my not knowing and some of them try to give me ideas and some of them try to ask me what mine are and some of them think that if i get comfortable with not knowing everything will be fine because apparently lots of people don’t know and it doesn’t matter if you hate your career as long as you have one but it also doesn’t matter if you make money as long as you’re happy and the same people preach both things like they’re not completely opposite ways of life and i’ve given up trying to explain why neither concept seems to work for me because they can’t seem to fathom why the idea of doing something i hate or morally feel opposed to or am bored by or for whatever reason don’t want to do is something that doesn’t appeal to me even if i’m getting paid and they don’t understand why i don’t just instantly know what would make me happy if i stop thinking about money
and i guess i’ve only just now realized that it’s because they think i or everyone is focused on the money aspect and that has never really been my problem with it i think my problem with it is that not knowing all the options makes me feel like there are no options but because i have a problem i also feel like i don’t know myself at all sometimes which is bullshit i like to think i have a decent grasp on who i am most of the time and it’s stupid but if i don’t know what would make me happy then i clearly don’t know myself but i think the realy problem is that i don’t know what sort of jobs there are where i could get paid to do what or things similar to things that make me happy? and i’m back to not knowing the options now and i’m frustrated